you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
