am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
