"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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