Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
