at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
