Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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