apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
