nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
