I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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