Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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