I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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