I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
