imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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