and i looked up. we had an audience...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
