Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
