i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
