The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
