i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't turn off my feet"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
