i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
