Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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