Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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