I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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