Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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