I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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