Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
even my farts smell like vagina
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
