OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
