Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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