it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Randomize
