We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Randomize
