these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you traded sex for a burrito?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
