he looks like a really good dad on facebook
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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