Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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