so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
