she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
