Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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