Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
