In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
