some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I smell like Dick and happiness
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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