Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dicks are not precious.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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