i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
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