4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
