Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
