Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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