I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
