He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
