I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
