Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
