i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
