I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
