i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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