i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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