im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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