just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
