I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
