weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
