Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
