Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
All the doctor said was why
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
