tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
