note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
